have been working as usual.
4more days to go.
have completed most of the things on hand :]
did lots of filing today.
anyways,
it has been 2days ever since bi went for sailing.
he promised me to msg me at least twice a day.
but till now, i havent receive any.
i've tried calling and flooding him with msges.
no reply.
it has been 2days & 3nights.
no news from him, UNCONTACTABLE.
where is my bi :[
for now, i have chosen not to think too much about whats actually happening.
no point and theres nothing much i could do.
i dont denied that there are many possible reasons why i didnt recieve any msges from him.
phone confiscated?
no batt?
no coverage, no network?
and many other negative thoughts.
everything and anything readers here could think of went through my mind these few days.
yes, im upset.
im worried.
however, its the trust that brings two person together issnt it? :]
self denial? no.
i just dont want to assume anything till he is back.
assuming just make things complicated even if it issnt in the beginning.
like what he always says wheneva i doubted his love for me: 'time will prove everything.'.
& like what i always tell him: 'between us, theres only one chance. i will only trust you once.
till now, he still has that chance.
& i'll give him that one chance as promised.
no matter what happens,
i'll still wait for him to be back.
though i have a instinct that he wont be contacting me until the 22 Oct.
cause, if he is able to contact me, he would have done so.
i shall let fate decides everything :]
before bi left for sailing,
he hopes that by the time he is back,
i'll be able to let go of the past, overcome the fear of love and the fear of promises.
ever since that 3years of fairy tale ended with a nightmare,
bi has been the one, trying so hard to heal the scars in my heart, without any complains.
during these 85 days tgt, i doubted him many many times.
doubted his love for me, doubted his words, doubted his sincerity.
and yet, he swallowed everything, still giving me everything he could and assuring me time and again.
he knows, im still living in pain.
he says, he will wait for the day when i could give him all my trust.
bi, if you eva read this update,
i want to say, im really sorry.
i know, by bringing the past into us,
i made you suffer.
im sorry.
i know, you have being doing alot for me.
thanks for everything.
i love you.
i know, its my fear.
since then, i couldnt bring myself to trust anyone anymore,
and i no longer believe in the word everlasting.
to me, promises just leads to lies.
till now, scenes of all the quarrellings, fightings, breaking up, bringing down, crying and heartaches still flashes in my mind at times.
not that i still misses him,
its just that things happened too fast, and everything just hurts too much.
to forgive is one thing,
to forget is another.
for the remaining 10days before bi comes back,
i'll search for myself.
it has been 4months since the day i felt as if the world crashed on me.
its time for me to be fair to myself, and be fair to bi.
goodnight earth ♥
现在的我，已对爱没有任何的要求。
也不知道， 永远的定义是什么。
